Triangulation

Triangulation is a narcissistic defense strategy where three people are involved in a conflictual relationship, with the narcissist using the other two to gain leverage, shift blame, avoid responsibility, or create alliances. Usually the triangulator uses guilt, shame, or other emotional tactics to manipulate the third person to draw them into the conflict between the two people in a relationship. These relationships can be romantic partnerships, family systems, and workplaces. It’s a harmful dynamic that can lead to increased conflict, stress, and emotional distress for all those involved. 

For example: Lisa is anxious about irritating temperamental friend Rachel, because Lisa wants to be accepted by a group of friends “controlled” by Rachel. Lisa offers to write Rachel’s paper for her, Rachel accepts and receives an A+. Very happy with Lisa, she invites her to a party. Once there, Rachel’s ex-boyfriend warmly greets Lisa. An enraged Rachel accuses Lisa of flirting with her ex-partner, refuses to talk to her, and sets their mutual friends against her. In less than a day, Lisa transitions from idealized to devalued object in Rachel’s perception. It’s hard to know if we’re involved in triangulation. Although Rachel may turn on the charm if she senses Lisa is pulling away, Lisa benefits by separating from Rachel’s manipulation to gain both perspective and strength. Also see Idealization and Devaluation