Transmuting Internalization

Transmuting internalization is the gradual process an infant goes through to perceive the self-object (another person, mostly the parent) as an autonomous, separate being. According to Heinz Kohut’s self-psychology theory, the infant subjectively experiences the self-object/caregiver as a non-autonomous, essential part of themselves, existing primarily to fulfill their needs for calmness, validation, and connection (mother’s soothing is experienced as a self-sustaining function, not an act by a separate person). Three parts to this growing awareness of others as separate and three developmental milestones:

• Optimal frustration: Parents inevitably fail to meet the child’s needs instantly and perfectly. These non-traumatic, manageable disappointments are tolerable.
• Internalization: These minor failures prompt the child to internalize the self-object’s (parent’s) function, creating their own psychological selfhood to soothe and emotionally regulate themselves.
• Separation and individuation: As the healthy child internalizes these functions, they develop a sense of self-efficacy and independence, allowing them to recognize the self-object’s boundaries. 
• 18-24 months: Children start to show objective self-awareness, demonstrated by passing the mirror “rouge test” and using pronouns like “mine.”
• “Terrible twos” (starting around 18 months) are a common sign of a child exploring their own will and autonomy, which involves recognizing their separateness from their caregivers.
• Ages 6-7: The child’s process of fully holding another person’s perspective, which continues to develop for several years after the terrible twos, is typically achieved by young childhood.