Self-Object Need

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Self-object needs are foundational psychological requirements we have throughout our lives for a cohesive, stable, and vigorous self. In Heinz Kohut’s Self-Psychology Theory, these needs are inherent, beginning with an infant’s needs for the caregiver. The term self-object describes how the self (in this case, the infant-as-self) experiences the other (the caregiver) — as an object that’s part of the self (the infant doesn’t yet perceive their caregiver as a separate being) and performs a vital function for the self. In other words, self-object needs are the needs the self has for the self-object. If these needs aren’t met with empathy, it can lead to developmental arrests, adult “disorder of the self” (psychopathology), and self-regulation that over-relies on others as self-objects into adulthood. Kohut identified three types of self-object needs/experiences for a healthy, “tripolar” self (mirroring, idealizing, twinship). Each self-object need is followed by the adult experience when needs aren’t met: 

• Mirroring self-object (need to be seen and validated): Infant needs caregiver (mostly parents) to empathetically respond to their grandiosity, self-expression, and ambition for a stable sense of self-worth and capacity for self-esteem, like a parent celebrating a child’s accomplishments.
• Inadequate mirroring (caregivers are emotionally unavailable, inconsistent in giving praise, overly critical, or fail to affirm child’s worth): Adults may exhibit chronic low self-esteem, require constant external validation from others to feel valuable, struggle with feelings of shame, and be highly sensitive to criticism. They lack an internalized source of positive self-regard.
• Idealizing self-object (need for ideals/to be in awe of an idealized figure): Child admires/idealizes a powerful, calm, and perfect figure (parent) to provide safety and belonging, to integrate the ability to self-soothe and regulate emotions, and to remind themselves of their healthy ambitions, values, and ideals. 
• Failure of idealization (unstable, unreliable, abusive, excitable caregiver, who child can’t rely on as a source of strength and calmness): Adults can’t self-soothe during stress, feel anxious or fragmented when alone, might desperately seek strong partners or leaders to merge with (pathological idealization), or be unable to feel calmed by their own internalized resilience.
• Twinship (alter-ego) self-objects (need to belong/feel connection and likeness to others): Child needs for others to share similar experiences and understand their perspective, to provide a more integrated, stable sense of self, to feel connection to their professional field or support system, and to foster social skills and a shared humanity. 
• Lack of twinship experiences (child feels different, isolated, or excluded from any sense of belonging): Adults experience intense loneliness and isolation, struggle to connect to groups or relationships, and lack confidence they’re “like others